Aug. 22nd, 2008

samaritan1975: (Under Control)

Ever since I took this job, I've been feeling like I keep screwing up everything I try.  It's like each thing just exacerbates the other, in some kind of vicious circle.

Work?  Screw up.  Get backlogged, because I don't understand the system well enough yet.  Get my boss' boss' boss involved, because one of the teams who relies on our information decides to escalate an issue I'm trying to handle.  That went so very well for my supervisor.

Doing stuff around the house?  I either don't do it soon enough, or I do it incorrectly/incompletely.

Finance?  Can't get the refinance crap in order.  Too much home value lost.  Bought stocks in a company- my own- that has very nearly bottomed out, and recent news suggests that a certain market change may wipe out the stock entirely.  And God knows there's no way we can handle kids with how tightly we run our budget through the month.  Everytime we make more money, something breaks, or we need something done, that undermines it all.

My wife?  Hardly get to spend time with her.  She's such a social butterfly, and I'm just so tired when I come home that the last thing I want to do is go out and see people.  And I feel like an asshole for it.  We haven't even had time to go sign up for dance lessons, like I was going to do for her birthday gift, back in FUCKING JUNE.

Workout?  I've run, what, 3 times this month?  That's a joke.  I'm not sure why I even make an attempt to appear like can take care of my own fucking body.  And I eat like shit, because it's quick, because it's what I have time to do.

I can't even be excited about my birthday on Sunday- and my wife said as much earlier today, that it sounds that way.  I'm not entirely sure I do, actually, despite the lovely cake I know she's going to make.  It's just more money to be spent.  I'm so tired- I have been up till 2 am virtually every night this week, working on a problem for work, only to find out that the result is *still* wrong.  I've told my supervisor I'm out of options, and need an experienced eye to look at it.


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